“Tis impossible to be sure of any thing but Death and Taxes.”
-Christopher Bullock
As the above quote points out there is nothing certain in life other than “death and taxes” but I want to add a third certainty that we all will face in life. You may have even already experienced today. Unlike the other two certainties that end in…well…death and a loss of money, this third certainty can actually lead to growth and life if handled properly.
Well, what is this third certainty you ask? Let me illustrate first with a few stories to see if you can figure out what they all have in common.
A co-worker is upset with you and is yelling at you over some tiny detail. You and your spouse are enjoying a great time together at a restaurant when a seemingly light comment sets them off. Your child is upset and wants nothing to do with anyone when they come home from school.
What do these three stories have in common? If you guessed, conflict, then you are correct. The third certainty that we all will face on a regular basis is conflict. You can try to avoid it. Push it aside. Get angered by it. Or you can face it head on and see it as a growing opportunity. What if we changed our mindset from simply enduring conflict to seeing it as an opportunity to learn from our problems to make us a better leader in the future.
Here are just a few tips to help you the next time you are faced with a conflict:
- Stay calm.
Do you feel your face turning red, your heart pounding, and the anger rising in your chest? Are you going to add fuel to the conflict fire or bring water to cool things down? Pay attention to your facial expressions and posture. Does your face show anger or disgust? Is your body tense?- Best way I have found to stay calm is to take your self out of the situation. Quit making it personal. Most of the times the conflict is not actually about what is going on. There is usually something deeper that is the issue. That leads to the next point.
- Assume the best.
Yes, I just told you to assume and we all know how that usually ends but in this case it is a good thing.- There will be people who genuinely don’t like you. Those people will create conflict with you just because they don’t like you. Deal with these people as quick as possible and move on. The majority of the conflicts you will face will be with people who like you. In these cases it is safe to assume that they are not out to hurt you, attack you or trying to ruin your day but have an issue with something you did. See the difference there. They don’t have an issue with you but something you did. They like you so they want to fix this issue so it doesn’t continue to negatively impact your relationship so…
- Attack the issue and not the person.
- If you are married and have done some sort of pre-martial or marriage counseling, you may have heard of “I” statements. When you have conflict with your spouse you say phrases like “I feel like this” instead of “You made me feel like this.” The reason for the “I” statements is because “you” statements come off as offensive and attacking. The “I” statement helps the other person to empathize with you and see how the issue is impacting you. It puts them in your shoes so they can see the conflict from your side of things.
- Ask questions then listen
- The best way to get to the bottom of the issue is ask lots of questions and listen. Do not ask leading questions meaning you are trying to get them to walk into your trap or getting them to say what you want to hear. No, ask questions to simply to learn.
- Debrief and journal.
After the conflict, take time to think about what happened, what was the conflict and how did you handle it. What could you do better next time? How can you avoid this conflict in the future. What’s one thing you learned from this conflict?
This is definitely not an exhaustive list on how to deal with conflict but are just a few I found to be helpful. I challenge you to pick just one and apply it the next time you have conflict.
Leave a comment and let me know which one you pick and how it went for you. Or share your own tip on how you handle conflict.