I just opened a book and a note fell out that says, “Divorce people, stop replaying “What if I did more?”
I should clarify who I am referring to when I say divorced people. This isn’t for the spouse who was a jerk or unfaithful, although they could probably benefit by asking themselves this question.
The statement is for those who didn’t want a divorce and are left trying to understand it all.
I think it is normal and okay to ask “What if I did more” at the beginning of the divorce but after a while you need to move on.
To use a sports illustration it’s like watching game film. You review the game to see where you could improve for next time. Just because you review the film and figure out areas where you could have done more doesn’t negate the fact that the game is over so you can’t go back and change the outcome.
Similar idea for a divorced person. The divorce may not have been directly your fault but you can benefit from looking back to see how you could improve moving forward.
I believe this is an important point in your healing process. You switch from wondering what you could have done to what you can do.
The marriage is dead. Quit dragging it around. Quit beating yourself up with shoulda, coulda, and wouldas, and start focusing on what you can improve.