“Rather than trying to control the other person, happy couples tended to focus, instead, on controlling themselves, their environment, and the conflict itself.”
-Charles Duhigg, Supercommunicators, 152.
My struggle in my previous marriage and even today is that I try to control the other person. If I could get them to see my way or reasoning then we would be good and my self-esteem wouldn’t be crushed.
The struggle came from the fact that I was insecure so I did not know how to act if I wasn’t in control because if I failed then I thought I looked like an idiot.
This happened the other day. I was supposed to go to this training. I showed up at what I thought was the right time. I sat in the back and quickly realized I was in the wrong session. I checked my email to confirm I was indeed in the wrong session and the one I needed was a few hours later.
I handled it well…like a child. I was upset that communication wasn’t clearer and my time was wasted. In reality, I was embarrassed because I screwed up and wasn’t in control of the situation.
It really wasn’t that big of a deal. Mistakes happen. I just needed to adjust my attitude, ask someone to clarify when training was and the conflict would be resolved.
You can do the same thing when in conflict with another person by adjusting your attitude, asking clarifying questions to understand what is the conflict then seek resolution.